Jun
2
Paralysed by fear? How to overcome it.
Filed Under Coaching, Fear, Procrastination, Russian language, Taking Action | 1 Comment
Image by Kriss Szkurlatowski
© Gaye Wilson 2010
I’ve heard of people being paralysed with fear before, and I’ve seen it – they go rigid, stare into space, and can’t move. It takes ages to come out of it.
But paralysed BY fear? I’m not talking about the person who’s afraid of heights who freezes when he sees a long drop, although it’s related. I’m talking here about being so afraid of something that hasn’t happened yet that you can’t do anything. This type of paralysis isn’t so much a physical paralysis as a mental one. (Trust me, there’s a subtle difference!)
I’m in that situation now. I’m paralysed by fear about my studies.
My penultimate Russian exam is in a week’s time, but I can’t make myself study. I’m afraid I will fail.
There are all sorts of reasons why this is a reasonable fear. The major one (and ultimately the only one that really counts as far as the exam is concerned) is that I haven’t studied enough. Why? Because I have experienced the absolute worst six months in my entire life, and study has been at the bottom of my list of things to do and worry about.
The problem now is how to get out of my funk and do enough study to pass the exam.
Yesterday, when I mentioned that I was having trouble motivating myself to study, someone said to me: “Just do it!”
Hmm, it’s actually not that easy to “just do it” when you’re afraid. If I could “just do it”, I’d be a billionaire by now. But the definition of courage is to take action when you are afraid. If there’s no fear involved, it’s not courage.
Here are some thoughts on how to get out of paralysis that is caused by fear:
1. Acknowledge the fear.
Realise that the fear is what is stopping you from moving forward, not the actual task. Once you’ve acknowledged that it’s actually fear that is the obstacle, you might be able to move away from it.
2. Acknowledge where you are.
Okay, you’ve realised that you’re paralysed by fear. Now look at where you are in relation to the achievement of your goal. Where did you stop in the process? Once you know where you are, you can start to figure out what you have to do from now on.
3. Take one small step NOW to rectify the problem.
What one thing can you do today to move you forward? Do that one thing. Then do another one.
4. Enlist help.
In my case, I can enlist help from the lecturer (done that, she’s very supportive), from fellow students, from friends, from family. The type of help obviously depends on the type of problem. For me, the obvious help would be to get someone to test me on vocabulary. And/or to get a Russian friend.
5. Talk to a coach or counsellor.
Coaches are amazing people. They can motivate, stimulate and rejuvenate. They have tricks up their sleeves that will move the most stubborn blocks. Counsellors do something similar, but might be more suited to working out why you have the block in the first place.
6. Realise that this too will pass.
Most things in life are temporary. Once you realise that the situation you’re in has a sunset clause (i.e. it won’t last beyond a certain date), you can work through it. The thing now is to get through this period with the best possible outcome.
7. Focus.
Work out the best possible outcome under the circumstances, and focus on how you will achieve it.
The trick is obviously not to let fear paralyse you in the first place, but if you do find yourself in that position, screw up your courage, get help and take baby steps towards your goal.
Now I’m going to go away and learn ten Russian words. And hope that helps to banish the fear just a little bit.
Dec
10
© Gaye Wilson 2009
“If you don’t know [what's wrong, what you've done, why I'm upset/angry], I’m not going to tell you!”
Has anyone ever said that to you?
How did you feel?
My usual response to this exceptionally stupid statement is “What the …?”
A couple of weeks ago, someone left an organisation that I’m involved with because she had some issues with how it was being run. That’s fine, but the person had never given any indication before her resignation that she was not happy. The remaining members of the organisation were left scratching their heads in bewilderment. What did we do? How could this have been resolved? And more importantly, why didn’t the person say something????
It’s like being told “If you don’t know, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”.
What a stupid thing to say. I’m not, nor do I know anyone who is, a mindreader. I can’t know what you are thinking unless you actually say it. Why do people do this? I actually heard a senior executive say this to a subordinate one day. Say what? An executive telling a junior that she’s not happy about something the junior has done/not done, but won’t say what it was? How crazy is that?
I used to be a Conflict Resolution Trainer with the Conflict Resolution Network. One of the first principles of conflict resolution is to actually address the problem. No-one will know there is a problem unless someone says something. Problems cannot be fixed unless they are addressed.
It would have been much more productive for everyone if the person who left the organisation had said something to someone about how she was feeling. Then the person responsible for the behaviour that caused the distress could respond. No one knows how someone else is feeling. No one knows for sure what else is going on in someone else’s life. There may have been only one instance of the issue, or several different issues. It may have been because the person who unwittingly caused the distress was having a bad day, or was under a lot of stress, or was distracted, or was simply misunderstood. No one will ever know, because the issue was not addressed.
The bottom line is that conflict can often be handled well if the distressed person actually says what is wrong.
How many times have you done or said the equivalent of “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you”?
Don’t you think there is a better way?
Speak up if there’s something bothering you. You’ll never get resolution if you don’t actually address the issue.
Sep
27
You can do everything when you’re healthy
Filed Under Coaching, Philosophy of Life, Productivity | 9 Comments
© Gaye Wilson 2009
I woke up feeling fantastic this morning. I don’t remember the last time I did that. I’m up and rarin’ to go. Can’t wait to start the day.
This is very unusual for me. I have a chronic illness, which I’ve had since 1995. It seems that it’s not going to go away. So when I wake every morning it’s more a case of asking myself what doesn’t hurt, and how can I drag myself through the day without hurting more.
What’s different today? Yesterday I started a course of antibiotics. When I’m on antibiotics, I always feel fantastic. The difference between how I feel on antibiotics and how I feel normally is phenomenal. I’m two completely different people.
Feeling fantastic means that I accomplish more. Everything I do is faster, better and easier. My mind is clearer. My body can last longer.
When I’m feeling healthy, I am the person I want to be.
When I’m unhealthy (which is most of the time), everything is hard. I still get stuff done, I still accomplish my work and my goals, but it takes far more effort, it takes longer, and I have to work in short snatches.
You can get so used to feeling off that you don’t realise how much it’s affecting you.
Even minor ailments have an impact on your performance.
I’m not the only one who has found this out the hard way. Here are some more examples.
One of my PhD Coaching clients suffered terribly from headaches. When she was given the correct treatment, the headaches went away and she surged forward with her dissertation. She had not realised how much her life and performance were affected by her headaches.
Another of my PhD Coaching clients had dental problems. She was in pain, but didn’t realise that it was affecting her performance. I encouraged her to get it checked out, and lo and behold, when the problem was fixed, she felt fantastic and finished her PhD earlier than expected.
You can do everything when you’re healthy. If you’re unhealthy, it takes a lot more effort and a lot longer to do things.
So make sure you are as healthy as you can possibly be:
- eat the right things, and in moderation
- do the right amount and type of exercise
- drink lots of pure water
- maintain a healthy weight
- get sufficient sleep
- get a medical checkup
- get a dental checkup
- have fun
- create a support or social network
- maintain a life/work balance
It will make a world of difference to your outlook, your accomplishments and your life.
I’m not saying here that unhealthy people can’t perform and can’t accomplish their goals. I pull out all stops when I have a deadline to meet in my editing business, but it usually leaves me drained. The author of the book-turned-into-blockbuster-movie Sea Biscuit had the same condition that I have, and she wrote the book while flat on her back in bed. A colleague of mine recently attended the launch of her new local history book in a wheelchair – she also has this condition.
So unhealthy people can perform and produce, but it’s much harder. People with ill health have to work harder to accomplish the same as healthy people,and it takes a heavier toll.
Victories happen faster and easier when you’re healthy.
So get healthy.
What can you do this week to boost your health?
Sep
23
How to finish 2009 with a bang, not a whimper
Filed Under Coaching, Internet goodies, Procrastination, Productivity, Project Management, Resources, Taking Action | 3 Comments
I first met the work of Gary Ryan Blair when I was in the middle of my PhD candidature. He has some cool gadgets and suggestions for achievement.
Now he’s running a 100 Day Challenge to finish the year with a Big Bang. Have a look at this video:
Here’s some more about Gary Ryan Blair’s 100 Day Challenge:
Change Your Life in 100 Days
What if I were to follow you with a camera crew 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the next 100 days while you went for your goals?
I bet three things would happen…
1. You would START doing the things you say you need to do.
2. You would STOP doing the things you know you shouldn’t be doing.
3. You would MAKE monumental performance gains and change your life.
This is ALL possible through the discipline of accountability. Accountability serves and protects your character, credibility and commitments. It ensures that what you want to accomplish gets accomplished. (That’s what personal coaching is all about: accountability.)
Throughout every area of your life it’s important to understand that ALL unfinished goals, projects and relationships are the result of broken promises, unfulfilled commitments, and lack of accountability.
With that in mind, I wanted to share with you an exciting opportunity to achieve every goal you set, to enforce ultimate accountability into your life, and show you how you can make monumental performance gains. I’ve signed up, and I’m excited to get started.
Gary Ryan Blair, otherwise known as The Goals Guy, has put together a fantastic comprehensive approach to goal setting and performance enhancement.
It’s called the 100 Day Finish Strong Challenge and it begins on September 23rd, which happens to be the final 100 days of the year.
The 100 Day Finish Strong Challenge is a structured 14-week performance improvement program where challengers compete against themselves to achieve a number of challenging goals and finish the year strong.
Free Special Report and Video
Gary is offering a powerful special report for free which is titled: How to Create Your Own Big Bang!
This report is worth its weight in gold as it shows you how to create huge performance gains quickly. I encourage you to get your copy right now.
So what are you waiting for? The clock is ticking and if you want to seriously improve your life and corresponding results, I encourage you to check out the 100 Day Finish Strong Challenge today as it will be one of the smartest decisions you’ll make all year.
I’m in it. How about you?
Sep
20
One extra hour
Filed Under Coaching, Procrastination, Productivity, Project Management, Scheduling, Taking Action | 6 Comments
© Gaye Wilson 2009
What could you do with one extra hour?
- Sleep in?
- Watch television?
- Play a computer game?
Or could you
- Read a book?
- Walk the dog?
- Write a letter?
How about:
- Work on your business plan.
- Write out your goals.
- Have quality time with your family.
There are many activities you can do in an hour. An extra hour per day would allow you to do many extra activities, so it would be a good thing, right?
But where do extra hours come from?
Take a look at the first list above. These are activities that you could curtail to find an extra hour. These are passive activities. They are about being, rather than doing. They don’t necessarily have a purpose. They just are. They are often default actions when we are too lazy to do something constructive.
The second list contains active activities. Like the first list, they are ego-centric – centred around you. Unlike the first list, they have a purpose. You walk the dog so that both of you benefit from exercise. You read a book to relax or learn something. You write a letter to communicate with someone. These activities are about the present. They are good to fit into your day.
The third list is also an active list, but this one contains activities that are all about the future.
When was the last time you sat down and planned your future?
If you’re like most people, you haven’t. Most people drift through life and wonder why it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Those who revel in life and accomplish what they want in life are those who plan their future.
Victories are planned.
So, this week, to gain your victory, find an extra hour to do some planning.
Aug
10
Are you feeling guilty? Ten ways to stop.
Filed Under Coaching, Procrastination, Productivity, Scheduling, Taking Action | 1 Comment
© Gaye Wilson 2009
I’m feeling guilty.
Why?
Let me count the ways.
- Because I haven’t blogged for two weeks.
- Because I haven’t replied to a lovely comment about my blog (thanks, Georganna!).
- Because I haven’t finished updating one of my websites.
- Because I didn’t do much last week.
Last week was a write off for me. I overdid it on Saturday, clearing a bit of my garage – it looks lovely! – and I paid for it in the following days. But I kept paying for it, not necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t motivate myself. I found myself doing, as I used to do, research on the internet that I knew I would probably never read (gotta schedule that in!). And I was kicking myself the entire time. I knew what I had to do, but I wasn’t doing it.
Have you ever had a week like that? You feel worthless and useless and a complete idiot. You’re in a funk, you get depressed, you take it out on the people around you. You’re in a landscape of misery.
And you feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually horrible.
So how do you get yourself out of that?
Most of my coaching clients have this problem at one time or another. I think most people do. There are several things you can do about it.
1. Stop beating yourself up about it.
Part of the horrible feeling is that you are beating yourself up for not doing what you think you should be doing. Beating yourself up leads to all sorts of awful things, including self-loathing, emotional eating and paralysis. Beating yourself up doesn’t work. It just makes you feel worse. So stop it, and do one of the items on the list below (these will also help you stop it).
2. Do something. Anything.
Sometimes the only thing that will get you out of a funk, whether it’s a depressive funk or a I-can’t-move-forward funk, is to do something. Anything. Take some sort of action. Get up and do some star jumps. Walk the dog. Scream. Eat ice cream.
3. Make a list.
Do you know what you should be doing or do you make it up as you go along? Lists are very helpful tools. Make a list of what you want to accomplish today or this week. Pick one item and do it, then cross it off the list. This can give you a huge boost. Don’t forget to pick another one and work on it!
4. Clear a space.
De-cluttering is liberating. It can also be messy, dirty and a lot of fun (see #10). Clear a space on your desk or your floor. Throw out papers you no longer need. Give old clothes, furniture and books to charity. You’ll feel a lot better, your space will be nicer, and you will have helped someone else (see #9).
5. Ask for help.
Talk to someone about what you’re feeling and what you’re doing (or not doing). Talk to a friend, a family member, a colleague, a coach. Ask them to help you get out of it. Ask them to support you in doing something productive. Set up a temporary accountability to them. Note: If you are continually doing nothing and feeling depressed and miserable, you may need professional help.
6. Do something completely different.
Change your situation radically by doing something that is not related to what you should be doing, or something that you don’t normally do. Jolt yourself into action.
7. Change your focus.
Sometimes all you need is to change what you are thinking about. Look at the problem in a different way. Say to yourself, okay, I’m currently doing this and feeling awful about it. What would happen if I did or thought this instead? Focus on something or someone else for a while. Pet your dog. Play with a child. Pick up a different project and make some progress on it.
8. Exercise.
Exercise induces chemicals in the brain that help with mood. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. Ask a friend to go horse riding with you. Okay, it may not be what you should be doing, but it will make you feel better, and will elevate your mood. GET UP AND MOVE.
9. Help someone else.
Go down to the local soup kitchen and offer your services for an hour or two. Knit a blanket for the homeless. Visit a friend. Donate to charity (see #4). Helping someone else will take your mind off your own troubles, and when you return, they might not seem so insurmountable.
10. Have some fun.
What floats your boat? Reading? Going to a movie? Ten pin bowling? Hanging out with friends? Pick one simple activity that will give you some fun. It will lift your mood, get you away from your funk-place, and will give you a break.
11. Or you can wallow in your funk.
Your choice.
My chapter in Top Coaches Share their Action Strategies also gives some useful ideas on how to take action.
Guess what?
Now I’ve written a blog post, I feel better about myself. I’ve actually done something that’s on my list, I’ve taken action, I’ve cleared some clutter in my brain, and I’m ready to get back to doing what needs to be done.
See? It works!
Jul
25
What’s your Best Use of Time right now?
Filed Under Blogging, Coaching, Learning a Language, Productivity, Project Management, Taking Action | 6 Comments
© Gaye Wilson, 2009
Getting everything done isn’t easy when life gets in the way. You have shopping to do, paid work to do, the kids to take to sport, an essay due at university, the washing, the cooking, the ironing, catching the train … the list just goes on and on.
So how do you cope? How do you get everything done properly and on time?
By asking yourself one simple question:
What is the best use of my time right now?
I call it the BUT question.
This one question will guide you to victory. You can apply it to everything:
- Whether to do this task or that one
- Whether to make this choice or that one
- Whether to eat, socialise, work, relax, exercise, sleep, clean up, see the doctor, outsource … you name it.
I have a client at the moment who is in the last stages of writing his PhD thesis. He hired me to get the formatting of the document right. This was a good move, because it freed him up to concentrate on the writing.
But he’s not writing. Although he has outsourced part of the job (the formatting), he’s still obsessing about the part he outsourced (yes – the formatting). He seems to be spending more time on how the final product is going to look than he is on the content of the final product. That’s fine, and every PhD candidate needs to obsess about both the content and the presentation.
But what this person is doing is the equivalent of having a dog and barking too.
He’s already outsourced the formatting. So why is he obsessing about whether the document should be double spaced or not? That’s my job. He hired me to format the document so that it looks outstanding and gives a professional, jaw-dropping first impression to the examiners. I’ve already given him my best professional advice, but he’s still vacillating.
He needs to ask himself what is the best use of his time: either cancel his contract with me to do part of the job; or allow me to do the job he hired me for, and get on with the actual meat of the project himself.
That’s what I mean when I say, what is the best use of your time right now? What is the one thing you can do that will have a positive impact on your project or your goal or your life right now?
If you get into the habit of asking yourself that question throughout your day, you will become much more productive, efficient and accomplished than you are now.
Try it. You’ll be surprised at the results.
Jul
12
What’s your victory?
Filed Under Coaching, Philosophy of Life, Project Management, Scheduling, Taking Action | Leave a Comment
© Gaye Wilson, 2009
This blog talks about ways to win your victory, but so far it hasn’t talked about what your victory is.
What is your victory?
It is your goal, your desire, your dream, your fantasy. It’s what you want in life. It’s what you want to do or accomplish. It’s your current project. It’s what motivates you to get up in the morning. It’s that thing you’ve always wanted since you were a child.
It’s your reason for being.
Everyone has goals. Everyone has dreams. And everyone has projects. All of them are different, but all have a desired end result.
That’s your victory. Your desired end result.
So what is your desired end result? Do you want to lose weight? Learn a language? Complete a doctorate? Or do you simply want to clean up your garage or start a garden?
In order to win your victory, you first need to know what that victory will look like. How will you recognise it when you achieve it? What exactly is it that you want? What specifically is your desired result?
Once you know that, you also need to know how you will accomplish it. This means thinking about the steps you need to take. Break it down into doable actions. Think the process through, walk through it in your mind, on paper, with others, or using a project management program. Try not to miss any vital steps.
With your list of actions in hand, you can then set about completing those actions.
One last thing. You probably need to put a timeframe on it. I say probably, because not all victories are timebound. You might want to be happy – how does one put a timeframe on that?
So then what? You do it! And when you’ve completed all the tasks on your list of actions, voila! There’s your victory.
I discuss plans and action strategies further in my chapter of Top Coaches Share Their Personal Action Strategies. You might like to click on the link and check out the book.
So, what’s your victory, and how do you plan to achieve it?
Jul
7
Lots of people have to write for their work or study. Lots of people also have trouble writing. Here are some ideas that my coaching clients have used successfully to get themselves writing consistently.
Writing ideas
When you don’t know what you want to say, make an outline.
- Write, in point form, the main ideas you want to talk about.
- Flesh out each point.
- Use a note taking program such as Turbo Note or Jot Plus, or a mind map program, or even index cards, to write out your points, and then move them around so that the argument makes sense.
- Take one point and write as much as you can about it, then take a break, and pick another point and do the same.
When nothing is coming – i.e. you forget what you want to say, you can’t think of anything to say, the blank screen mirrors your blank mind – there are several things you can do:
Audio
- Talk to a friend. Record what you say. Get the friend to ask questions that will elicit more information.
- Get an audio recorder and talk about your topic. Then make a transcript, and use that as your first draft.
Visual
Make a mind map. Take a large sheet of paper, and draw your theme. Stick it up on your wall.
Timing
Commit to a ridiculously small amount of time per day, yes, per day, to write. Say eight minutes. Commit to writing eight minutes each day. The eight minutes can be spread out over the day, but you must write for eight minutes (or whatever time you pick). When you have done it, you then have a choice: to either keep going, or knock off for the day.
This technique sounds silly, but it works. My clients often have trouble even committing to eight minutes a day, but within a week they find that they are writing for far more than eight minutes.
Figure out the best time of the day for your writing. We all have different rhythms. Some people write best at 5am. Some people write best at 3pm. Experiment with the times you attempt to write. You will probably find that one time of the day is better for your creative flow than others. I have found that I write better blog posts early in the morning, and they flow easier than if I try to write them after lunch.
Editing
When you are editing something you have already written, try some of these:
- Read it out loud. If it doesn’t flow, your ears will hear it.
- Take it one sentence at a time.
- Check that the first sentence of each paragraph actually talks about what the paragraph is about.
- Ask yourself if each paragraph flows from the one before it.
Concentrate on one thing to edit at a time, e.g.
- Are all the tenses in the paragraph the same?
- Do you have periods at the end of each sentence?
- Does each sentence make sense and flow on from the previous one?
- Is there a better word that you could use?
If you’re having trouble writing or editing your work, email me.
If you have other techniques that have worked for you, please leave a comment.
© Gaye Wilson 2009
Jun
20
A Tale of Two Dogs
Filed Under Coaching, Procrastination, Taking Action | 3 Comments
© Gaye Wilson 2009
There are two dogs in our family, Meri and Gypsy. Both dogs are elderly, and they have totally different personalities. Watching and interacting with them is a joy, and very interesting in terms of not just animal behaviour, but human behaviour as well.
Meri is nearly 15 years old. She’s been an outside dog all her life. She has to sniff everything. Food offered by someone other than me must be thoroughly but politely sniffed before she will accept it. She starts to yell for dinner about an hour before it’s time. She sleeps a lot. But her most interesting behaviour is her procrastination.
Gypsy is about 11 years old. She, too, has been an outside dog all her life. She loves to run, and dig, and loves to cuddle. Her biggest achievement is to make everyone who meets her fall in love with her on the spot. She’s an action dog – once she knows what she wants, she does whatever is needed to accomplish it.
Both dogs live outside, but in wet or cold weather they are put into dog crates in the garage to keep them warm and dry. They are, after all, old ladies.
When I come to collect Meri to put her inside, she knows what’s coming and is waiting for me. But she insists that we are going for a walk, and invariably overshoots the doorway into the garage. It’s only with coaxing and pulling that I can get her inside (often when it’s freezing and raining, and I’m getting cold and wet too!). That’s not where her procrastination stops. She must sniff everything in the garage, to avoid going into the crate. When we finally arrive at the crate, she will go past it, or attempt to go backwards, or even, cunningly, ask for a cuddle in order to delay the inevitable. When I can finally get her to put her front paws in the crate, she procrastinates even further by sniffing every inch of the crate before she puts her entire body inside enough for me to close the door. The whole performance is classic procrastinatory avoidance behaviour.
Gypsy, on the other hand, waits impatiently for me to come and get her, then hauls me towards the garage at full speed and makes a beeline for the door. Once the door is cracked open, her nose is immediately stuck in the gap to open the door faster, then she scurries inside, races for the crate, barrels inside, and turns around to grin at me. She’s where she wants to be. Mission accomplished, and in the shortest time possible.
Both dogs know what the end result will be. Both dogs are happy when they finally get there. But one dog will do anything to avoid the end result until it’s impossible to avoid it any longer, and the other goes straight for the goal.
Does this sound familiar?
Which dog are you? The one who will do anything to avoid action that will result in the end goal, or the one that goes for it in the fastest way possible? The first one provides endless frustration amongst everyone around her, but still ends up in the same place in the end. The other is a joy to work with, and accomplishes the goal with speed and focus.
So which one are you?
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